WIRETAPPING SCANDAL STILL RED HOT WHAT DO YOU DO? If you can stomach it, please pretend for a moment that you're Preznit Dubya. Thanks to a few muckety-muck do-gooders deciding to blow the whistle on you, your ongoing and highly illegal clandestine, warrantless surveillance of American citizens has been revealed, potentially exposing you and your infinitely corrupt administration to the most serious of legal consequences. Making things worse, you've been caught on camera in a bald-faced lie that underlines your full awareness of the criminality of your acts. What do you do? If this were any other time -- and if you were any other POTUS -- you'd either resign in disgrace and take that long walk to the helicopter, or you'd choose a suitably high-level goat to sacrifice on the altar of phony public accountability. I mean, we are talking about the Constitution, after all. But this isn't any other time. It's the post-9/11 era, a time when three simple digits (and an optional forward slash) combine to form a magic word that instantly transforms whoever speaks it into a blameless, holy creature whose crimes are the cushy pillows upon which gently rests the nation's fevered head. And you aren't any other POTUS. You're George Walker Bush, Grand Poobah of the Dark Christian personality cult that has completely assimilated the Republican Party, which currently controls the entire apparatus -- executive, legislative and judicial -- of the federal government. So I ask again… what do you do? The first thing you do -- apart from going after the whistleblowers with everything you've got -- is to deny everything. Accuse your accusers of being politically motivated liars and terrorist sympathizers. Let your crotch-snorting lapdogs in the right-wing gutter press pick up on your talking points and make of them a vast echo that reverberates back and forth across the media landscape, drowning out the tiny peeps of inconvenient truth that manage to squeak up through the corporate mainstream media machine. This will buy you some much needed time. When further evidence of your wrong-doing emerges -- as it inevitably will -- your denials and counter-accusations will begin to fall flat. That's when you have to start the process of confusing the issue. Muddy the waters by diverting lines of inquiry and changing the subject. The more jarring and brazen the cognitive dissonance, the better. Remember, you're just buying time, here. Here are a few examples: If you're asked whether you've had thousands of American citizens illegally placed under warrantless surveillance for the skimpiest of reasons, you could say: "Of course I'm going to continue protecting America from the terrorists!" If you're asked why the White House Privacy and Civil Liberties Oversight Board --created by Congress in 2004 as per the 9/11 Commission's recommendations -- has never hired a staff or held a meeting, you could say: "Yes, it certainly is reckless to jeopardize our national security by leaking highly classified information about our vital intelligence gathering activities! The leakers must be brought to justice!" If you're asked why, three years into your massive illegal surveillance program, not a single "terrorist" has been caught because of it, you could say: "Nobody could ever have imagined that the levees would fail!" Once again, you must remember that this is simply a stalling technique with no hope of permanently closing the issue. Eventually, there will be revelations that you and your underlings will be unable to spin away. Then, at last, it will be time to break out the legal and rhetorical strategies developed for you by the same team of experts that brought us the invasion of Iraq, the Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay torture manuals, extraordinary rendition and a whole host of other policies that future honest historians will forever associate with your nightmarish, illegitimate reign. It is important to play to your strengths. In your case, that would be stoking the flames of terror in the population at large. Leveling veiled threats about the typhoon of terror that awaits the American people if your critics don't stop pestering you about that "goddamned piece of paper" would be a good place to start. Also, try suggesting that the 9/11 terrorist attacks might never have happened at all if you'd only been free to conduct this kind of wide-scale, unchecked surveillance all along. Sure, it's pure bullshit. But that's beside the point. Oh shit… I almost forgot! Right from the get-go, it's important that you implicate as many people as you can. If at all possible, implicate those who are currently criticizing you. Say things like: "Congress was fully briefed! If I wanted to break the law, why was I briefing Congress?", then chuckle like you just said something funny. This is an especially effective tactic because it lends credence to your accusations of political gamesmanship, and positions you as the victim in all this. Although your claims won't be "true" in the strictest definition of the word, don't worry about the media catching on; it will take months before they figure out you're full of crap, if they ever do. That should take care of the public relations aspect of your strategy for the time being. Now, it's time to tackle the legislative side of things by revealing your crazy-ass rationalizations to federal lawmakers. Referring to the authority vested in you by the Unitary Executive Theory, lay claim to powers never dreamed of by previous Preznits. Be forceful and resolute in your assumption of these Divine Rights. This might sound crazy, but a good first step might be to get your Attorney General, Alberto Gonzales, to go before the Senate and argue that when Congress granted you authorization to invade and occupy Iraq, that they also bestowed upon you the absolute and unchecked authority to do anything -- up to and including the ritual sacrifice of newborn babies in the White House basement -- as long as you deem it necessary to waging your War On Terror. Throw it out there, and it just might stick. We are now approaching endgame. At this point, it is entirely possible that your desperate measures to sway public opinion will have failed. They may even have caused a trickle of so-called "righteous conservatives" to abandon their unswerving allegiance to you, which could, in turn, trigger the Lunatic Left to begin whispering about censure and impeachment. Even if your popularity plummets to sub-Nixonian levels, there is no need to panic. Always remember that you, sir, are the Man. The Supreme Court, the Justice Department, regulatory agencies, Congressional taskforces and Senate subcommittees… these are your playthings, safely stacked with a veritable panoply of compromised cronies and true-believing Manchurian Candidates who are ready, willing and empowered to do your bidding. You say you want them to block any proposed investigations into your crimes? How about getting them to change the laws you broke so that, from now on, you'll only ever have to notify a tiny cadre of "made men" about your surveillance activities? All you need to do is say the magic word. Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: jerkyleboeuf@gmail.com

ON THIS DAY March 17 On this day in 1521, explorer Ferdinand Magellan discovers the Philippines, or, as he always referred to them, the Magellippines. In honor of Saint Patrick's Day, it was on this day in 1997 that CNN launch the Spanish language version of their cable news service. So a hearty bueno jorno Santo Patritio to all our Irish readers! On this day in 1959, the Dalai Lama flees the Chinese army, making a "chicken run" from Tibet to India, the big chicken. On this day in 1988, Iran accuses Iraq of illegally using poison gas in the Iran/Iraq War. Official right-wing response at the time was unambiguous: "GOOD! That means our buddy Saddam will be ordering more from us!" March 18 On this day in 1959, President Dwight D. Eisenhower signs Hawaii into existence as a member state, in full and equal standing, of the United States of America. All of the other states -- excluding Alabama -- subsequently experience a short-lived collective obsession with all things Polynesian. Today, you can still find evidence of this fad in small New England towns where people go to Chinese restaurants to get drunk. Deceptively powerful cocktails served in ceramic volcanoes, topless hula dolls gyrating seductively over pu-pu platters piled high with sweet-glazed meat, half-naked Samoans twirling fiery batons while making "ooga-booga" faces; this kitsch ephemera remains, scattered and tenacious like the radioactive residue from a dirty bomb, in the half-life death-grip of immutable plastic eternity... Man. This is some good weed. On this day in 1931, the Schick Company unleashes the world's first electric razor on an unsuspecting public, causing men the world over to complain about the crappy shave they get from the things. In the seventy years since, very little has changed. In yer old pal Jerky's estimation, electric razors are only good for housewives, mental patients and epileptics. Come to think of it, the whole concept of shaving, itself, is absurd... except when it comes to women's legs and armpits, of course. On this day in 1995, sports/entertainment/footwear titan/mogul Michael Fucking Jordan announces his return to the NBA after a 17 month "retirement" during which time he played a little minor league baseball. Whether or not this has anything to do with his father being murdered in cold blood, or his monster gambling habit, who can say? On this day in 1996, an unnamed comatose woman gives birth to the son of John Horace, the man who brutally beat and raped her nine months earlier. 365 days later, on this day in 1997, she mercifully passes away. March 19 On this day in 1644, emperor Si Sang, final sovereign of the storied Ming dynasty, commits suicide. Two hundred members of the royal family and imperial court promptly follow suit. Gosh, but those were the days, weren't they?! On this day, in 1987, the Reverend Jim Bakker -- PTL Ministries founder -- resigns when it's revealed he spent a hot three minutes cheating on his wretched wife Tammy Faye with Jessica Hahn. And can ya blame him?! Soon afterwards, Bakker is put behind bars for defrauding thousands of PTL members out of millions of dollars by selling them non-existent time-shares in his Born Again theme park/condominium complex. After being granted an early release for good behavior, Bakker told reporters how shocked he was that "so many people" tried to rape him in prison. Still no word as to how many of these "attempts" were successful.

THEY SAID IT! "All I asked for is what happened to my son, and it has been lie after lie after lie. There is so much nonstandard conduct, both before and after Pat was killed, that you have to start to wonder, how much effort would you put into hiding an accident? Why do you need to hide an accident?" - Patrick Tillman's quest for the truth about what really happened to his NFL-star-turned-Army-Ranger son in Afghanistan has taken yet another in a long list of dark turns. *** **** *** "The greatest single previous example of military Keynesianism -- that is, of taking an economy distraught over recession or depression, over people being very close to the edge and turning it around -- is Germany. Remember, for the five years after Adolf Hitler became chancellor in 1933, he was admired as one of the geniuses of modern times. And people were put back to work. This was done entirely through military Keynesianism, an alliance between the Nazi Party and German manufacturers. ... What we've done with our economy is very similar to what Adolf Hitler did with his." - TomDispatch conducts a fascinating and wide-ranging interview with Cold War scholar Chalmers Johnson. A "must read" for any thinking persons out there. Read it, and spread it around!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by N8Possibilities! Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up to the TV. The 10:00 PM news was now on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a tall building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Homer and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Homer replied, "You know, I bet he'll jump." The blonde said, "Well, I bet he won't." Homer placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on." Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.? The blonde was very upset and handed $20 to Homer saying, "Fair"s fair, here's your money." Homer replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he wo! uld jump." The blonde replied, "I saw it too, but I didn't think he'd do it again." Homer took the money. *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Naveed for sending in today's second joke. Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey." Miraculously, a parking place appeared. Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one." WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Today's groaner was sent in by Javaid... As soon as he had pitched his tent, he went for a hike in the woods. In about fifteen minutes he rushed back into camp, bleeding and dishevelled. "What happened?" asked a fellow camper. "I was chased by a black snake!" cried the frightened Jed. The camper laughed and retorted, "A black snake isn't deadly." "Listen," groaned Jed, "If he can make you jump off a fifty-foot cliff, he is!"

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: MORE HELP FOR JMIKA care of: Scott MOP Jerky: I haven't written since that horrible night in 2004, when I watched another election being stolen. Too depressed I guess. However I may be able to help Mika out with his custody problems. I'm not from Wisconsin, but I have practiced here for more years than I'd like to admit. So here's my humble and high priced opinion of things: 1. In response to his second question - Yes she is crazy but you married her bub, so you only have yourself to blame. 2. The other question is the harder one obviously, and requires (as Warren Zevon would say) lawyers guns and money. If Mika doesn't have a lawyer he should get one to deal with this crazy bitch. The lawyer can file for temporary custody with only supervised visitation, for a guardian ad litem to protect the minors' interests and he can marshall the witnesses and evidence necessary to win a contested hearing. OR 3. Mika can take a deep breath and realize a couple of things. First - this guy is in jail and I don't think they allow conjugal visits with minors, even in Wisconsin. Second - If this is his fourth rap he's not very good at getting away with it so the odds are he's going away for a long time, and Mika can relax. On the other hand, if he does beat it, I would refer Mika to the excellent arguments you ran earlier this year on the best weapons for personal defense, have him choose the weapon he most admires and blow the fucker away as soon as he steps out of his cell. Then hire a lawyer and have him pack the jury with parents. Ol Warren had it right. YOP Scott from Vt. FIRST AMENDMENT ZONE / ASK JERKY! *** **** *** Just a quick thought, why isn’t Pat Robertson considered in the same ilk as any fundamentalist Islamic group in having their funds frozen because of hate? He is as bad as anyone I can think of. Ralph [I agree. And the feds could really use the cash right now. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky... If what this guy says is true... it's going to be a long fucking three years. Cheers, Andy S. [That's pretty much a given. - Jerky] *** **** *** Ohmygod. Today Bush said in almost the same breath that he still favors "pre-emptive strikes" AND that Iran was our biggest threat. The goddam idiot is going to hit Iran before he leaves office! That's like being asshole deep in shit and taking a laxative. Iran will make Irag look like a day in the park. The caves on my uncle's property in Kentucky are startin' to look better every day. Best Wishes, Larry [FOOL!!! Caves will provide no shelter from their hunter/killer nano-swarms! - Jerky] *** **** *** In my view the types of "blind" drug tests you described in a recent Dirt should be performed on people such as the man who killed the two little girls in the sensationally macabre, and relatively recent case of the caretaker of a nearby university. Abetting their noble contribution to the society in which they extracted so much from is not a sin of conscience in my mind, and would seem to be cost effective as well. Money saved could be pooled to take mum's on holiday with their boys. Gi11es [Feh. - Jerky] *** **** *** Jerky; i see mr.trudeau is back on t.v. selling his book fo 19.95 plus s/h. he says there are some changes made that are posted on cover, when they show it to the audience in a 60 second clip. every time i see this scam being repeated for an hour on early am t.v. time, i feel sorry for the [other] half of people who are spending good money for trash. i was impressed when d.d. ran an article on him and how the fed. trade com. got after him. i hope he goes to jail next time. [for simplicty, i do not use cap's] thank you. i love daily dirt and it's the first thing i go to in the morning, thanks for your good work, senior citizen rick in vt. [This is for those who may be confused. - Jerky] *** **** *** Dearest Jerky; Have you lost your fucking mind? Stevie Ray Clone? A decent guitarist? PUHLEEZE! The only original thought he ever had was to clone Hendrix note for note. He was the ultimate copycat. Nothing he ever played was original. Every riff was lifted from Jimi. I've had this debate several times and can show you the Hendrix songs he pirated. Having been a stage and studio guitarist for 40 years, I've been asked to do SRV songs, and did Hendrix note for note. Everyone thought it was SRV, and I would just smile to myself. The guy sucked and I don't mind him passing on into oblivion. Hendrix, on the other hand was the TRUE original and is missed daily. I figured you'd have that much taste, but perhaps you're too young to remember the golden days of rock... YOP Roegster [I'm going to go ahead and pretend you never wrote that. - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com